... the perputually pensive one ...

11:51 am - Changes

Moving across the country wasn't enough, apparently. Or maybe where I am right now isn't good enough and more changes are needed.

Apartment, employment, people, habits. A lot of changes.

Hardly anything is perfect the first time, right?
So why do I need to justify making changes?
Am I still seriously asking permission from anywhere?

Or maybe I'm justifiably frazzled but still managing to move forward.
That might be it.
Maybe because I'm starting to make choices with me in mind instead of other people.
What a concept, but one that takes getting used to.

Current Mood: confused

08:51 pm - Drama

Drama, both real and imagined.

I've been feeling so crappy lately that I thought I was going to quit both my jobs as well as that third class. But tonight I finally realize how awful this economy is and I realize that I will have to tough these two jobs out until I either find a better one or they both run out in May.
A friend told me tonight that I should get to writing that best seller. Aww, how sweet of her!

I wanted to go to NYC for Spring Break, but I don't think I'll even get that break. Hear that tiny violin? It's for me!

Seriously, I want this bad mood gone. And this is the first of some hope I've felt for awhile.
Just thought I would note that here.

Oh! And the drama at one of my jobs! I had added an extra half hour onto two days and there was a huge hoopla over who told who and approved it and Oh-My-God! how dare anyone make an action without approval!
Kinda funny when I look back on it now. So fucking stupid.
Then the kids acted up at tutoring. The usual book throwing, slapping at my arms for attention, and pretending they just didn't say that to me kind of shit.
And then a great thing happened when I was walking away from that job to class. I made myself laugh and kept laughing.
I'm sure I looked weird, but it's Baltimore, so really, who gives a fuck?

10:23 am - Blogs! Blogs!

I have an electronic publishing class and have to keep updating a blogspot that I already had. Sweet! because I've been meaning to do that anyway.
Then a friend wants to me start Twitter. I don't even know what that is.

This week has been crazy. I started my tutor job again, so everyday has either been working two jobs, or working a job and having class, or having all three. On top of that, I decided to usher for The Vagina Monologues last night and tonight. I could've stayed to watch the show, but was feeling tired. Go figure. I'll watch the show tonight.

The tutoring ... good Lord, those kids are something else. Some kids are cute; one little girl wanted a hug before we started class. Others are smart-asses, specifically the older kids. I tried bribing them with candy bars, but they blew it. I showed them the candy and said, Hey look what you don't get now!
I don't think I'm mean.

So far, I'm keeping up with classes/homework. I do believe those computer design programs are going to kick my ass. Oh well, it must be learned.

I have a fiction professor who said we can turn in even just a page of a story, didn't matter what we brought in because we'll critique the hell out of it and it won't even be the same after the end of class.
Huh. Very different from last fiction class. I think I'll like it.

09:03 pm - well, glad that's over.

After having one of the worst weekends since moving to Baltimore, I've managed to feel good about today. Instead of wallowing in the bad, I'll say what good has happened.

* Gizmo seems much better now, though I still have to keep an eye on her.
* I might have my tutor job back. Might. Still, that's something ...
* I'm finding myself able to shrug off random and not-so-random crap said about me.
* It snowed for half a day here and it didn't freak me out!
* I did some writing.
* I remembered my brother's birthday!
* I've rediscovered Tori Amos. I was a fool to lose her in the first place ...

Yay, me!

Current Mood: happy

09:51 am - Well!

I'm starting to hang out again with my Baltimore friends. I have actually found two other people who roller skate (Angie and Amber) and I'm so glad I brought those skates back from Californian. Angie is trying out for the roller derby and her name will be "Stone Cold Jane Austen." And I've discovered that Doug shares my love of pro-wrestling and Mick Foley.

The drama at home is some sleeping dragon. Again, I'm glad to have moved out here. I'm still looking for some other employment, preferrably one I can do from home. This will take awhile.

And it's Obama-Nation around here, now that the Ravens lost last night. I do regret not seeing Obama when he stopped and spoke in Baltimore. I thought, for just one second, about going to DC ... then the thought of huge crowds changed my mind. Huge crowds remind me of the ocean, and that's not a good thing.
Still, having moved out here is such a huge personal change, and then there's this huge change in history for everyone else. It's numbing. Also numbing because of the freakin' cold.

I need to write. I need to embrace myself like I said I would when I moved out here.

11:06 pm - Cold? Cold!

Being a Cali girl with a first winter on the East Coast, this weather kinda scares me.

When I experienced some cold weather in November and December, I turned on my apartment's heater and it didn't take too long to heat my apartment: my apartment being a studio w/kitchen and bathroom.

In this mid-January, my heater has been on for over five hours and I'm still cold with my feet.

"Hi, Cold East Coast Weather! My name is EM! How are you - I couldn't care less!!"

That's how I would greet the weather.

And when it came back with a snappy reply of, "But you wanted cold weather!" I do believe I would say -

Well, I guess I couldn't say anything, actually. Cause I did ask for it!

Here's to freezing my ass off!

: D

Current Mood: cold

07:30 am - Go East

I'm flying to Baltimore tonight Gizmo and my brother in tow. I have a hurried week ahead of me that will, once again, be nonstop. Baltimore, DC and NYC. Thankfully, my friend will watch Gizzy and she won't have to be put in a kennel.

The whole New Years drama lingers, but in a week I'll be on my own again and hopefully will keep moving forward.

Out of three classes, I have one A- and a B+ so far. I can't believe how down I am about the B+. I haven't been crazy about grades since high school.

I applied for two jobs online. All I have is the work study job when I get back to Baltimore because the lameass tutor position fell through, though they still have me under contract until May and I can't work for another tutoring school.

I'm taking back tons of clothes that my parents bought me. All I brought to Cali with me were an extra pair of pants, shirt, pjs, robe, some socks and undies. Literally, I had brought nothing else. And now I might have to take an extra suitcase back with me ...

I'm not even going to bother with the light rail this time. I am not giving those bitches the satisfaction of throwing me off again because I know those bitter cunts are just looking for any opportunity to shit on someone to make themselves feel better. So we're taking a taxi from the airport to my home. It'll cost a pretty penny, but I will be jet-lagged and luggage-heavy and will explode on any bitchy cunt that comes my way. The only exception is when I'm actually in the airport. Of course.

Did I mention I went to the Rose Parade floats? Not the parade, but afterward when they line them up for people to see. The detail is amazing and every big flower has its own tube, for water and nutrients, I guess. My mom has wanted to see the floats for years, so we went this time.

Oh, and I might have gained about five or ten pounds since I came to Cali home. I've been eating like a little piglet. I have gotten some roller skates, and oh boy, do I love them!

Current Mood: crazy

09:54 am - Update.

I have only one more day of work (4.5 hours) from my work study grant this semester and my tutor location has changed, meaning I will be in a much better location (one I can walk to and no scenes from The Wire were filmed) but I don't know when the school will start up it's tutor program.
So I'm kinda out of some jobs. How does this keep happening to me?
And I was getting to know those people and become comfortable with the kids at the other school. I was surprised to find how sad I felt after just two days and then finding out I wouldn't see anyone again.
I've found some inspiration for a final project in class because of the kids I met, so I guess everything works out in the end?
But really, I'm worried about those kids. That's the bottom line. Their situation isn't good at all. At least when I was there, I felt like I could do something hands-on to help them. There are other ways, yeah, but nothing like being in the thick of it.

The upside is that I can catch up on homework and have plenty of time to enjoy myself like I haven't really had time to do except in little moments. I can actually write what I want to.

Whoa.

Current Mood: thoughtful

10:36 pm - well ...

And I live. It's okay. I survived the day. For some reason, this day just felt like the heaviest load I've had to carry since I've been here.
I had an early day at work, went from that to my new job alright, survived my first day as a tutor in Baltimore, got back to school okay, and finished my homework (short story, writing journal, story critiques, cover letter) to turn in to class. Gizmo was fine, despite being left in the apartment for a full twelve hours.
On top of that, this weekend I'm looking forward to a reading series at a Fells Point coffee shop, a Taco Bell run, and being a paid usher at a piano performance at school.
Seriously, it's the small things in life.

And I get to look forward to getting home (Cali) soon!

Current Mood: chipper

08:16 am - I'm gonna ....

... post this now because I've been really stressing this day and I want to make a note of that, and when the day is over and I'm back home, I'm gonna add to this post and see if all the worry was worth it!

Oh so much to do today ...

Current Mood: anxious

09:23 am - Oh, Garbage, you sing it well ...

It's raining all day today. Normally, I'd go out in this kind of weather, since I rather like the rain-

Wait, I will have to go out in this rain. I was putting aside going to pick up my laptop at Best Buy (travel involves a round-trip of two buses and a light rail ride) because I've been sick for so long. But I will have to walk a block to the Baltimore Museum of Art to find pictures that have purple in them, and along the way snapping pictures of purple.

At first I thought this Creativity class was cool, kinda granola-eating Eastern-thinking "feel the rock" kinda class, but now I'm disillusioned by it. I think it has a lot to do with getting a B- with my work-in-progress journal, which has too many pictures and too little writing (wait, thought this was my journal). Then being told that we students shouldn't have any ideas of what our final project for the MFA program will be, that we should be starting fresh and open-minded. Oh, and you can't turn in a novel for your final project But let's stay open-minded and feel purple.
And we have to start every class with a damn poem about thirteen blackbirds because, you know, we're all Baltimore and Poe and Ravens. Feel the poem!

I'm sure it'll get better. Or I'll make it get better.

Speaking of, I'm feeling better. Still have a slight cough, but oh well. I slept all day yesterday and maybe that has something to do with it.
Twenty-two more days before I get to go home.

And I've found out where I'll start tutoring: an elementary school in a not-so-nice area of Baltimore. How not so nice? They filmed scenes from The Wire there. Yes.
See how that goes ...

My mom called twice last night. I was really tired, so I didn't pick up the first time. When she called a second time just twenty minutes later, I figured I should pick up. She said I sounded nasal and if I had been crying, she was very convinced. I had to talk her down.
Funny, because she was the one who sounded nasal, but I couldn't tell her that.

So I have heaps of homework (still!) before I get to go home. I want to finish as much as I can early because then it'll feel like I can do whatever I want until I take that plane home.

Oh, to be able to wake up without the help of Gizmo ...

Current Mood: lethargic

09:37 am - Scrambling

I keep going over my Indian recipes because today is my last chance to run to the market before Thanksgiving "feast." Some of these recipes I haven't tried before. Oh boy, should be interesting. I have back-up, though.
My mom sent me a Thanksgiving wreath with a little scarecrow doll. She intends on sending me a little Xmas tree, too.
Less than a month before I get home, though. I'm dying to let Gizmo play with the other dogs, stuffing my face with Taco Bell and Momma's home-cooking, and crawling into bed. It's gonna be great to not have Gizmo sitting on my head for half the mornings I wake up.

I'm still not sure what to make of this big move, of school, of actually being on my own. I think I haven't really taken enough time to just enjoy the situation. I don't know when I'll start my second job as a tutor, either.

I would've taken work off today except I needs moolah, by golly gum! I brought homework with me, though. Probably start my story, too. It's due on Tuesday. Either it's a story that is "creepy" or about being a Mex-Amer in Cali. I mean, I'm around people who don't really know about Cali. Ehh, I'll probably write creepy. It's what they expect, anyway.

My coughing has slowed down! YAY! I've just been sick for about a month now, that's all.

Oh, and I had a bad dream last night. I was so angry in the dream and stayed angry when I woke up. I almost forgot about it. Apparently I have some hidden resentment somewhere to take care of, but mainly I just gotta relax. But not yet.

05:30 am - Uhh?

My grad school for getting an MFA doesn't allow a novel to be turned in as a finished piece. The only accepted submissions are short story collections.

Oh, we can write a novel if we want ... but we have to turn in a short story collection as a final product.

Uhh?

I missed something ...

Current Mood: confused

08:52 am - Awesome.

I should've mentioned this sooner, but I went to New York for my birthday, which was freakin' great. And when I came back to Baltimore, my friends here actually had a belated surprise birthday get-together for me.

Okay, all together now:

"AWESOME!!!"


What wasn't awesome was the fact that I forgot my camera. But to counter-act that was the street post that somehow sagged into the sidewalk and caused the traffic lights to be on eye level with people. A cop pulled up, got out of his car, and gave the biggest fucking sigh in the world. Then he started throwing traffic barrels around. That was the time we decided to move it along.

Oh, Baltimore ...

Current Mood: amused

08:27 am - Green Card??

When my parents stayed with me in Baltimore, we went to DC, too. Needless to say, a lot of people trying to get you to register to vote were everywhere. One young African-American asked my dad, "Do you have a green card?" There wasn't a Hello, Have you thought about voting?, Have you registered? That guy went straight to the green card. The look my dad gave him made him turn away.

I had to wonder why my dad got so pissed off, and my mom said, "People shouldn't assume."
No, I guess they shouldn't assume, but if we're in an area where, if you even happen to see one, almost every Latino person is doing labor work, should we be surprised that someone assumes the same situation about us? Especially when we're from SoCal where we know illegal immigrants are everywhere. Back home, when someone would realize that I didn't speak Spanish, they would get such a disgusted look.

All this assumption, causing misunderstandings.

I don't know. Just writing about it on the fly, I guess.

Current Mood: pensive

10:42 pm - Baltimore

I had been waiting until I accumulated a nicely written ... what? A story? An essay? What the hell was I waiting for, anyway? I figure I might as well just write what I think of Baltimore.

So I recollect how, a few days ago, I was crossing N. Charles St. (and not at the crosswalk, because that's more of a guarantee of getting run over) and marveled at how blue the sky and white the clouds. I told my boss this and she said, "So you come from the land of sunshine and you can't even see it?" Yeah, I hate realizing how polluted Southern California is. 

I've lived in Baltimore for one month now and have only recently felt anything close to being settled in. I'm guessing Gizmo feels the same, too. When we go for walks, she growls at anyone who comes close. She's such a cute little dog that a lot of people think they can just come up and offer their hand to her. Gizmo tried to bite the last person who did that. Now I tell people that she's still "in-training."

Random thoughts about Baltimore: there are big-ass bugs here, the humidity is crazy, and the old buildings are still amazing to look at. People drive crazy. At crosswalks, hardly anybody stops for you, even if you have the right-of-way. Likewise, people walk so close to cars, it's crazy.
I work at the Career Center part-time. I'm amazed at how many African students there are. Other students come from Turkey, Russia, India, and Thailand. It's cool to hear so many different accents. And Mexican-Americans are a rarity here. I've already been asked if I'm Turkish or Native American. It's so different because in SoCal Mexicans are a dime a dozen!
Another little thing about work: my boss, while training me, actually slapped my hand to correct a mistake. Who in the hell does that nowadays??

I do like my classes, though I think I was excepting everything to be so much harder. Then again, I'm a Grad student, so shouldn't I be kicking my own ass half the time? Yes, that sounds about right.

I've been kinda mopey, though. The whole grandmothers dying near/on birthdays gets to me every now and then. I learned awhile ago that not all of my questions will ever be answered and not everything will make sense.
Some nights I'd have nightmares, but I'd wake up with Gizmo curled up next to me and I'd feel better.
Cheesy, but true. :)

So I have a story due in fiction class in one week. Sooner than I realized, heehee. My desk hasn't been fully clean/organized or my files stowed away neatly. Then again, will it ever?

Oh, and my parents stayed with me for two weeks and one great way of seeing Baltimore city is on the Riding the Ducks Tour. As part of the tour they gave us these noisy duck bills. It was so refreshing to be obnoxious while learning, and to just have fun, GD it!

Anyhoo, I guess that's it for now.

Current Mood: amused

08:38 pm - Ups and Downs ...

... And such.

But it's all good because it's all life and so much is gonna happen now.

Seriously amazing that I've done even this much.

Current Mood: excited

07:15 am - Whoa.

I keep writing "whoa" everywhere.
Huh.

I've been in Baltimore since Thursday morning; got in on a Wednesday night flight. Some brat 4 year-old kept screaming/crying through the whole trip.
Needless to say, moving across the country is quite the MEAN FEAT. My mom and I figured two days tops for moving into the apartment, my dad said three: dad won. Well, I still need odds and ends, but I think that will never cease ...
I've made some discoveries about my parents along the way. Some good, some bad and others absolutely shocking. Leave it to stress to bare a person's soul.
Maybe that's where the "whoa" comes from ...
None of this has been easy, and I know that hard times are ahead, but I'm still excited and happy I did this move.
Happy. Yes, I wrote happy !

I rode my new bike the other night. I hadn't ridden a bike in about ten years. It took me a minute before I could ride it halfway decent.
I got a sunburn yesterday walking the Inner Harbor. Rode a touristy duck ride through downtown Baltimore and made a lot of duck quacks with these duck bill whistles the ride provided us. Silly, but damn fun.

I still got tons to do with school and writing and my new computer, but my parents are here for another week and want to jam as much touristy sites as they can, which means this "settling in" will remain hectic for me.

One last thing: in the courtyard of my rowhouse apartment lies a tomato, watermelon and red pepper garden. I found out yesterday that a guy living next door, with no yard to his apartment, made a garden in this apartment's backyard (with permission). I introduced myself and instantly forgot his name while he told me "Welcome to the neighborhood." He gave me six red tomatoes and then disappeared through the open side fence.

Current Mood: tired

03:51 pm

I'm still getting emails from Louisiana State and San Diego State, one which turned me down and another which I turned down. I'm getting more emails from them than from my own school.

What gives with this?

Current Mood: curious

04:51 pm - I ...

... haven't felt this lousy in a long time, both physically and emotionally. 

I'm writing this so I can look back and say, Whew! I'm glad I feel much better now!!

Current Mood: hopeful